can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
