Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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