You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
