I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I've blown a few things in my day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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