If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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