Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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