so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
