I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
