finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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