shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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