Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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