The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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