I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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