Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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