and you said cock pushups were impossible
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
