Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
