Can i not drive my cunt home
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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