so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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