i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
