These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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