Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
