Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
