Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
