It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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