Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
