okay pat passed out under dana's car
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
