batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
