The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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