I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
