I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
