I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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