Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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