the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
