I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
