i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize