this beer tastes like vomit already
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
