OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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