I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
