im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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