finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
