dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
