Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
