i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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