it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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