That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
