can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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