Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
