Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂