When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??