I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.