Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
