The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
