I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
