Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
