walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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