remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
