Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
